Every day, in showers across the world, people have thoughts. Some of them are better than others. This is a list of those thoughts.

We’ll continue to update this list weekly, as more thoughts are had.

When medication says “do not operate heavy machinery” they’re probably mainly referring to cars, but my mind always goes to forklift.

 

A guy can decline an invitation by saying his girlfriend won’t let him go and everyone will likely understand. But if a girl declines an invitation by saying her boyfriend won’t let her go, people will likely get concerned.

 

My parents taught me to be kind and humble, honest and hardworking, and to save an unnecessary fuckton of plastic bags under the sink.

 

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are.

 

The Onion might go bankrupt because they can’t compete against the reality now.

 

There should be a millenial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.

 

UPS will leave a $900 video card on my porch without even knocking but I have to sign for a $10 pizza.

 

Sleep should be rolled over. Like “Oh, you got 20 hours of sleep today? Cool man, you don’t need sleep for the next three days.”

 

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

 

As a Dad, I wish developers would make a game where player two helps you just by mashing random buttons.

 

My way of flirting is looking at the person I’m attracted to and hoping they’re braver than I am.

 

I just realized that whenever I hear a “… walk into a bar” joke, Ive been picturing the same bar my whole life. I wonder if it exists somewhere or if its just a mesh of different bars I saw on tv as a kid.

 

It’s weird how “Fact-checking” and “News” are treated like two separate concepts nowadays.

 

Over the past year I’ve taken so many “before” pictures of my body while telling myself im going to start working out, I basically just have a slideshow of me getting fatter.

 

Humans are really bad at recharging, it takes about 8 hours charge for 16 hours of use.

 

Even if I agree with your bumper sticker 100%, I still think less of you for having a bumper sticker.

 

As a child, whenever I saw a limousine I always expected there was someone rich or famous inside. Now when I see a limousine, I expect it’s a bunch of trashy high school kids.